Recently, I asked my community to share with me the challenges they are currently experiencing in their marriage or long-term relationship.
The one I heard several versions of goes like this:
"My sex life is boring/ underwhelming/ non-existent. My partner is a wonderful person but I feel like I live with a roommate and not a romantic partner."
This thought is where so many problems for couples start. Some go outside their relationship to find passion elsewhere, others harbour resentment and their relationship starts to wilt and die.
The simple and powerful thing I always remind my coaching clients of in this instance is that the problem isn't their partner or even their sex life, the problem is their thoughts about their partner or sex life.
The good news is, you don't need to go to your partner with ultimatums or judgements about their performance (or lack thereof).
If you want to change things for the better, you can start by doing this:
1. Clean up your thinking about your partner
If you are in a long-term relationship, you probably have a laundry list of expectations of your spouse by now. Before you can improve your intimate relationship, you need to get clear on just how much you think your happiness is dependent on what they do or don't do (I have created a workbook to help you start to uncover and change this which you can download free here). Hint: The only person who should be responsible for your emotions...is YOU.
2. Create desire
When a relationship is new, you often feel more passionate towards your partner than you do a few years in.
Why is that?
Most people believe that passion just fades over time and there is nothing they can do to feel desire for their partner. But it isn't true.
In those early days, it was easy to feel desire because you were actively looking at all the positive, attractive qualities of your spouse. Now, a few years later, if you aren't feeling the kind of desire and passion you want to be, ask yourself the following:
- have I always felt like this?
- if our sex life was better, what would I make that mean?
- how would I feel about my partner and our relationship if our sex life was better?
- how would I feel about myself if our sex life was better?
3. Take Action
Once you have cleaned up your thinking and decided what it is you really want to feel start creating the foundation for passion in the bedroom by practicing your new thoughts and feelings.
Notice that when you choose to feel desire on purpose you likely act in a way that is loving towards your partner in more areas of your life.
If you are constantly arguing with your spouse and not making time to be alone together as a couple then it makes sense that there may not be fireworks in the bedroom.
Start by spending time together that isn't centered around passive activities like watching T.V.
Engage with your partner, laugh together, focus on what you love about them. And keep doing thought work.
If you are ready for more support to rekindle your love life, check out the new program: 6 Weeks to Strengthen Your Relationship and get a huge discount before Oct 29 for being in the pioneer program.