Transformation can happen on your own, but personally, I find the process more fruitful and fun with others. Listen to the most powerful movers and shakers that you know, and you will find that most attribute their success and inspiration to a mentor or a group of people who set a high standard for them.
When I came to Boston, I realized it was going to be a lonely life if I didn’t start to expand my circle. In Hamilton, I was never far from a friend who had a flexible job and could meet during the day if one of us needed company and deep conversation. Suddenly I found myself alone for hours each day with no teaching to break up the isolation. What I needed was to consciously expand my circle.
Dating 101 for Transformative Friendships
Making new friends is much like dating. You want to get a sense of the other person and find out if they are compatible and interested. And before you tell me you don’t have space to expand your circle, I want to share this idea from Tim Ferriss’ awesome book The 4 Hour Work Week, “You are the average of the five people you associate with most, so do not underestimate the effects of your pessimistic, unambitious, or disorganized friends. If someone isn't making you stronger, they're making you weaker.”
While it might seem harsh to examine your longtime friendships for this pitfall I recommend it. If you plunge time and effort into relationships that are toxic, you rob yourself of precious energy. This is important if you are interested in growth and transformation. Start spending time with people who reflect your values the same way you would choose a partner. Here are my tips:
1) Spend Time With People You Aspire to be Like
If you are a writer, befriend people in your profession who are positive and creating amazing work. It would be useless to spend time with a group of backstabbing hacks who never finish a piece on time. No one wants to date the cynical, untrustworthy person.
2) Avoid Friendships of Favours.
I have been in a number of relationships where the other person only reached out to me when they needed something. Help with a project, advice on a relationship, an introduction to a leader in their field etc. After this happened enough, I finally built this boundary for myself: If you are asking me to do the job of your therapist, business manager or assistant you should be my client, not my friend. There is nothing romantic about having someone pick your brain, use your ideas and never give you anything back.
3) Don’t Be a Groupie.
If you are only spending time with someone because of their status or so you can drop their name later, then you are a groupie, not a true friend.
4) Share the Space.
I once went on a “first friend date” where the other person literally talked for two full hours. I tried to politely listen as they detailed their whole life story from birth until present. Fifteen minutes before the end of our time together they said “So that’s me, now you tell me about you”. I muttered something that took less than two minutes and shuffled out as quickly as possible. My date was clearly a nervous talker where as my nervous response was to clam up. However, if we had both consciously agreed to share the space I wouldn’t have had to listen to a three act monologue and they wouldn’t have been left knowing nothing about me at all.
5) Chemistry Matters.
When you go on a date, you can feel whether their is a spark or not. Transformative friendships have a similar quality as both people feel inspired to be better that they imagined possible. Never underestimate the beauty of sharing time with someone that understands your dreams.
Expanding your circle takes time and effort, but it is always worth it to find your soul brothers and sisters out there in the world. If you are lucky enough to have found people that you share a deep and transformative connection with tell us about them in the comments below. Don’t forget to share this blog with them so they can see firsthand how much you love them. :)
This is the third part in the Transformative Tools Series. If you missed my past posts, check out Why I Am Not Coming Home and If You Want to Transform You Must Do This.
Photo Credit: Guian Bolisay
