How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship

Posted by Erin Aquin on Sep 5, 2019, 10:01:00 AM

Sometimes when you are in a long-term relationship, you see history repeating itself.majestic-lions-staring-contest

One moment things are great and the next you aren't really talking to each other.
And it reminds you of a relationship from long ago (that went down in flames).

If you think you or your partner might be sabotaging your relationship, then these are the steps you can use to change that pattern forever.

Step 1: Be Aware

First of all, its good news that you even see this pattern. Awareness takes guts and it helps you deal with the issue faster if you already have an idea of what is going on and your are committed to change.

Step 2. Hire a Relationship Coach

Listen, I know I am biased here because I am a coach, but if what I teach didn't work, I wouldn't be in a fantastic marriage and I certainly wouldn't have a business.

The reason I think everyone should at least consider working with a coach is because it will save you so much time and heartache.

Most people waste the best years of their life trying to figure out their relationship problems. There is no need to keep struggling on your own, because if you already knew how to make your relationship better, you would be doing it. 

As your coach, I can spot the main issues quickly and we can get to work on doing a renovation on your relationship. And frankly, the decision to hire me coach has saved a lot of couples . This could mean the difference between a happy, healthy partnership and an ugly break-up. (You can sign up for a free consultation here if you want to talk about it)

Step 3. Stop Expecting Your Partner to "Just Know" What You Want

A core problem with people who are sabotaging their relationships has to do with expectations management.

Partners who have a long list of rules and expectations and think they can only feel happy, worthy and loved if each one of those are met, are often prone to sabotaging their relationship.

Ask yourself:

-Do I want my happiness to depend on my partner's words and actions solely?

- Do I want to spend my life trying to meet their expectations of me in return?

My guess is no and I will teach you how to re-think your expectations.

Step 4: Make Clean Requests

By far the most unhelpful statement I hear people make is some version of this:

"If he truly loved me they would just know what I want and need"

or 

"I shouldn't have to ask, she should just know"

Listen, your partner doesn't know what you want or need. If they did, they would probably do it more of the time.

When a client tells me they are upset about something their partner didn't do correctly, my first question is always:

"Did you ask specifically and clearly for exactly what you wanted?"

99% of the time the answer is:

"Well, no, I didn't really."

If you are hinting around or intentionally not reminding your partner of something you think they might forget, then you are setting up your partner to fail most likely.

To make a clean request means you ask directly for what you want without tying any terms or conditions to their response.

My clients learn to communicate clearly and cleanly and that in and of itself is often enough to completely change a relationship.

Step 5: Own Your Life and Enjoy Life Together

Finally, in order to end the cycle of relationship sabotage you have to be willing to take full ownership of yourself.

This begins with learning and accepting that your health, well-being, dreams, projects in life along with your needs and desires are ultimately your responsibility. 

You can ask for support and make clean requests of your partner, but you never confuse yourself into believing it is their job to take care of any of these things for you. 

When you own your life, you do things you love because they are important to you, with or without your partners participation.

Never confuse your life with theirs. 

This is when the fun begins.

Once you take your happiness into your own hands it is so much easier to create a relationship where you love each other and enjoy life together.

I can teach you all of this, so if you are ready to make your relationship incredible, book a free consultation with me here to learn how I can help you do it.

 

 

 

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