Revitalize Your Relationship Coaching

Trust is key to a relationship that works.  Whether its between you and your partner or you and your co-workers, if you don't trust each other, it is hard to make magic happen. But have you ever considered how "trust" really is built?

 As a Life Coach, I have become an expert on dealing with what I call “Cockroach Thoughts and Emotions”. In fact I just released an entire episode on the topic here. I know it isn't a pretty image but there is a reason for that. These are the sneaky, persistent thoughts and feelings that come up when the lights are off and seem to survive in spite of all the cleaning, growth and personal development you do. You may have spotted one of these "Thought Cockroaches" running from the light of your self-awareness. And once you have seen it, you JUST know there are others. These are thoughts like: “He doesn’t love me anymore.” “Our marriage is falling apart.” “I’m not good enough.”

Happy New Year Lovers!  If you have been paying attention over the last week or two you have probably been offered every single diet, new planner or calendar, workout and wellness program the world has to offer. The thing I find strange is that regardless of all this focus placed on well-being in January, rarely is any of it connected to romantic relationships. What I have realized over the last year with my clients who have hired me to help them stop fighting and improving their marriages is this; You can set a personal goal or a resolution to make you feel better, but if you aren't intentionally improving your marriage there may not be anyone to celebrate losing the weight, changing the bad habit or learning the new skill with at the end of the year. Don't confuse what I am saying here. I think self-care and putting your well-being first should be the MOST important thing in your life. But if your relationship feels a bit stale, or you are constantly bickering or having a lot of "talks" about who did what wrong day in and day out, then you should reconsider your goals and give yourself the gift of a better marriage instead. I recently updated my free mini-course End the Argument Before It Starts and it will help you get on the path to a healthier and more beautiful relationship this year. One final thing. Taking care of your relationship is self-care of the deepest kind, because you deserve to feel love, support and enjoy the life you are creating with your spouse. So tend to that garden, Lovers! I hope this is the best year yet.  

  Do you love the one you are with? Are they perfect for you or do you wish they would change? Most people don't think they have a "perfect" partner because of all the ways that other person fails at meeting their list of expectations. Maybe you imagine you would love your partner more if only they would behave the way they "should". If only they would say "I love you" more often, or show up with flowers or show more interest in the same hobbies. But do you know what makes my husband perfect for me? I think he is perfect for me. That is literally it. I think thoughts about him that sounds like this: He is amazing I am grateful to be married to this person I love him so much He is a kind and generous person I have a phenomenal relationship with him He is the perfect partner for me I think those thoughts and then my brain goes to work looking for all the things he does that confirm that he is the perfect partner for me. But if I started to think thoughts that he wasn't a great husband my brain would immediately get to work finding evidence to support those thought as well.

One of my long-time podcast listeners reached out to me for a free coaching session last week. In our session she told me she has been struggling in her relationship for a long time and wants 2019 to be different. She is ready to change her relationship and has decided to give both her and her partner a perfect gift, one of the spaces in my six week Revitalize Your Relationship program. If you are interested in doing something other than cluttering your home with more stuff you don't need (and probably don't want), why not make a commitment to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship and join my January program as well? If your relationship isn't feeling as warm and loving as you would like it too and you have tried over and over to improve it without success, you need to check out this course. A recent graduate of the program told me that the tools she learned during this course are not only helping to strengthen her romantic relationship, but are helping in all her relationships (with coworkers, family & friends etc.). Give it to your partner, take the course for yourself or do it together as a gift to you both, it's up to you!

Some dub it Mommy Brain, others call hormone reconfiguration or chalk it up to sleep deprivation, but there are more and more studies that show big changes to your brain during pregnancy and after having children.  When I had my daughter, I noticed that I felt "different". My personal experience with with both my children was that the pregnancy felt generally rough with brief moments of relief and then something resembling elation after they were born. I remember both times, moments after giving birth, feeling exhausted and marvelling at the beautiful baby in may arms, thinking that now I would finally start to feel "normal" again. But the truth is that I was forever changed. And the gift I have been able to give myself and the one I want to give to you since realizing it is to completely let go of the idea that you or I will ever get back to the pre-pregnancy versions of ourselves.  To a new mother, at first, that realization can feel very disempowering. 

Before you read this, make sure you do the exercise and answer the four questions I asked you yesterday. Here is a video recap of what I asked from the Alive With Purpose Facebook Live just in case you want a refresher:    If you sat with these ideas and then you probably have a good idea of the reasoning behind why you are in your relationship in the first place and whether or not you would want to be in it if all your expectations were being met by you and not them. So Should You Stay or Should You Go? The answer is, you should do whatever you want to do as long as you aren't doing it because you believe that it is someone else's job to make you happy. No one else can ever make you happy and it isn't their job to. There isn't a perfect partner out there that is going to do all the things you like in exactly the way you like them. And if there were, I bet your brain would find a problem with how perfect they are.

How do you know when it is time to break up with your partner? I get this question from my clients often. Sometimes it isn't about a romantic partner, it could be  a business relationship, a friendship or a mentor-mentee agreement. If you have not yet listened to my podcast on How to Build a Dream Relationship or downloaded my free workbook, then I highly recommend you check out these free resources for a more in-depth look at the behind-the-scenes playbook you are always checking your relationship against to see if it is "good" or not. Some of my clients go through this process and will say: "I totally get that my partner is an adult and can do whatever they want. I totally get that my list of expectations for them is about me and not them. BUT what if they aren't doing the things I like anymore? When is enough enough and when should I break up with them?"

Connecting with your partner especially after having children is not always easy to do.

  I love my children with all my heart. They are beautiful little beings and most of the time they are a joy to be around. But there are some days and some phases of their growth, when I wonder if one or both of them will ever stop crying/screaming/doing the exact opposite of what I am asking them to do. Those days feel rough and often when Steve comes home, I am just done. All I want to do is go sit in the bathtub with a few candles and a book alone for a few hours. As much as I try to remember that my kids are doing exactly what learning, growing, healthy children do it takes effort not to feel like I am failing as a parent. Those days are hard as every parent knows, but while many of us focus and worry about how our relationship is going with our children, it is easy to hit pause on your relationship with your partner. I get it. You feel exhausted and after singing the same five songs or answering the same five questions all day, you might want to veg out instead of have a meaningful conversation. You might lie down with your kids and bedtime and routinely fall asleep for hours. Or maybe, you feel the seeds of resentment and spend all your time together going back and forth with your spouse complaining about why your day was more difficult than theirs. How Can You Change This?