Revitalize Your Relationship Coaching

Want to watch me walk you through this process on Facebook Live? Click here to watch instead of read.   Sometimes people think that because I help people have great relationships with their partner's that my own relationship must be perfection and bliss at all times. Let me assure you....it's not. But here is why I think that is a good thing. If my marriage were perfect and easy all the time, I wouldn't really need the tools I am teaching my clients, I would get rusty and probably wouldn't make the investment into my own self-coaching that I encourage my clients to make. So today, I am going to pull back the curtain on my own relationship to share with you the main challenge I am working on actively right now and exactly what I am doing to improve this issue. This the exact step-by-step process of how I coach myself and my clients to find solutions to all their problems.

By far one of the most popular books in the self-help for relationships world is "The 5 Love Languages". A lot of people are handed this book when their relationship is getting tough and I know it has been helpful for many couples out there. 

People tell me all the time that they struggle to find even one area of their life where they put their own needs and desires first.  They are working hard to do everything for everyone and can't understand why it doesn't seem like enough and why their partners don't appreciate them more. Listen, I know you think you are doing everyone a favour by being last in line to get a piece of your own time and energy, but actually the opposite is true. Think about it. When you put yourself last how do you show up in your life? Are you loving, kind, patient and compassionate? or are you more often, resentful, annoyed and snippy? I definitely gravitate towards the second option. So in the last few years, even as my life has become more full in many ways, I have stopped overcommitting myself out of a false sense of obligation, and I am going to tell you the first, and most simple step so you can do the same. The First Step to Prioritizing Yourself I start each week by sitting down with my calendar a list of all the things I want to accomplish, events with my kids or my husband, all my clients, things I need to do in my coaching business AND all the ways I am planning to self-invest. Those may include things like: - workouts - self-coaching time - yoga - reading  - my meals Next I put those self-care investments on my calendar. Yes, you read that, I put MYSELF on my calendar first and I suggest you do the same. The goal for you is each and every day put something on there that is just for you. It can be a contribution to your physical health, personal or professional development or just down time to take a nap. But NOTHING else goes on your calendar until those investments are set up. Next plan your family time, dates with your partner, your work and social time and anything else you want to do with your time this week. The most powerful thing about doing this for me is when I see it all in front of me I know instantly if I am being unrealistic with how much I am trying to do in a week. If you look at your calendar and feel immediately overwhelmed, go back through what you planned and prune the things that are not essential or that you really don't want to do, BUT don't sacrifice your self-investments. And if you like this idea but aren't sure it is a possible approach for you, I want to invite you to join me on a free consultation call to learn how I can help you end the cycle of resentment and overwhelm and get back on track to the relationship and LIFE you want.

  Its a really common thing for people who are having relationship problems to "My partner doesn't make me feel loved anymore." One of the most liberating things you will learn in coaching is that in fact no one can make you feel loved. Let me use my toddler as an example.

  How often do you think to yourself: I will start tomorrow or maybe next week. I want to enjoy my summer holidays, I will start after that. The rush of the new school year is so busy, maybe I will just wait a little longer before I start. The holidays are just around the corner, I will start fresh in the new year. And on and on and on. The hard truth here is that when you hold on to the idea that you must wait until the "perfect moment" to begin on your goals you are leaking precious time and energy.

*The doors to my Revitalize Your Relationship Program are open. Request a consultation now.* I was talking with a friend the other day about their marriage. Now, unless they hire me and we are in a formal session, I don't coach my friends, but this friend is was in a lot of pain considering leaving their marriage and really wanted to know what I thought. Here is what I told them: It doesn't matter what I think you should do. If you don't want to be married to this person anymore, then end the relationship. BUT, just know that in your next relationship, even though the new person may be totally different from your current partner, you will probably take all the same old problems with you. Why is that? You grew up in a culture that taught you that other people hold tremendous power over you. Their attitude, their "vibe" along with their words and actions determines whether you get to feel happy and valued or resentful and worthless. But this way of thinking is totally wrong and it's preventing you from seeing and addressing your own thought patterns.

Some dub it Mommy Brain, others call hormone reconfiguration or chalk it up to sleep deprivation, but there are more and more studies that show big changes to your brain during pregnancy and after having children.  When I had my daughter, I noticed that I felt "different". My personal experience with with both my children was that the pregnancy felt generally rough with brief moments of relief and then something resembling elation after they were born. I remember both times, moments after giving birth, feeling exhausted and marvelling at the beautiful baby in may arms, thinking that now I would finally start to feel "normal" again. But the truth is that I was forever changed. And the gift I have been able to give myself and the one I want to give to you since realizing it is to completely let go of the idea that you or I will ever get back to the pre-pregnancy versions of ourselves.  To a new mother, at first, that realization can feel very disempowering. 

Connecting with your partner especially after having children is not always easy to do.

  I love my children with all my heart. They are beautiful little beings and most of the time they are a joy to be around. But there are some days and some phases of their growth, when I wonder if one or both of them will ever stop crying/screaming/doing the exact opposite of what I am asking them to do. Those days feel rough and often when Steve comes home, I am just done. All I want to do is go sit in the bathtub with a few candles and a book alone for a few hours. As much as I try to remember that my kids are doing exactly what learning, growing, healthy children do it takes effort not to feel like I am failing as a parent. Those days are hard as every parent knows, but while many of us focus and worry about how our relationship is going with our children, it is easy to hit pause on your relationship with your partner. I get it. You feel exhausted and after singing the same five songs or answering the same five questions all day, you might want to veg out instead of have a meaningful conversation. You might lie down with your kids and bedtime and routinely fall asleep for hours. Or maybe, you feel the seeds of resentment and spend all your time together going back and forth with your spouse complaining about why your day was more difficult than theirs. How Can You Change This?

When it comes to sticking to your commitments to yourself, are you any good at it?