Revitalize Your Relationship Coaching

Watching someone you love in pain is never easy.  You want to help. You want them to feel better. You want them to feel better so you can feel better. But here is the truth and you might not like it.

Earlier this week I shared   this podcast  with you. I talked about how the criteria for whether to break-up or stay together is a personal one.  And yet, I know some of you listened and don’t trust yourself to make the “right” choice about this or about any other decision in your relationship. Here is the thing. While you are stuck in what I call “decision limbo” weighing pros and cons, looking for evidence that you should stay or that you should go and waiting for the other shoe to drop you are abandoning yourself and your relationship. If you are focused on your partner - what they did or didn’t do you are robbing yourself of time and energy. Every moment you don’t make a decision is another precious moment of your life gone that you can’t get it back. This is true of every decision, big or small. What I notice in my clients who are in the same boat is that indecision breeds more indecision. All the flip flopping going on in your head is a direct path to more doubt and confusion. Here is my gift to you:

Do you feel acceptable and loveable simply because you are alive?   I work with a lot of intelligent, inspiring people and I always ask them this question.   Some are high level professionals doing work that will impact the millions of people in the future.   Some are savvy entrepreneurs who have built a business from nothing.    Some of my clients have gone through life events that were unimaginably hard and yet, they managed to do it with grace and strength.    And despite the amazing achievements and personal growth in each one of these rockstars, there is often a deep unrest and concern that they are not loveable, worthy and acceptable just as they are.   And I imagine that maybe you feel this way too.    Let me start by saying this is much bigger than just a personal insecurity. You are a  human and being accepted is a primal desire that has been passed down from our ancestors.    Being accepted in the tribe or community meant, protection, food, warmth and connection.   Even now, most of us are taught from an early age that our happiness and self-worth depend solely on being part of the right social circle, the right relationship, the right family and the right professional group.    To be un-included or rejected feels terrifying because at a certain time in history it drastically reduced your odds of survival and procreation.    So even though your survival may no longer hinge on being part of the group the way it did for the early humans, if you don't feel worthy, loveable and acceptable right now it may be showing up in some weird ways:

*The doors to my Revitalize Your Relationship Program are open, only 4 spots left for March. Request a consultation now.* I was talking with a friend the other day about their marriage. Now, unless they hire me and we are in a formal session, I don't coach my friends, but this friend is was in a lot of pain considering leaving their marriage and really wanted to know what I thought. Here is what I told them: It doesn't matter what I think you should do. If you don't want to be married to this person anymore, then end the relationship. BUT, just know that in your next relationship, even though the new person may be totally different from your current partner, you will probably take all the same old problems with you. Why is that? You grew up in a culture that taught you that other people hold tremendous power over you. Their attitude, their "vibe" along with their words and actions determines whether you get to feel happy and valued or resentful and worthless. But this way of thinking is totally wrong and it's preventing you from seeing and addressing your own thought patterns.

I may be a Life Coach, but I am also a human. I have felt my fair share of resentment. I just recorded an entire podcast about it here. As a mother, when this comes up, it usually surrounding something I perceive as an obligation. I feel hard-done-by because I am doing some "work" around the house or with my kids (dirty diapers anyone) while the rest of my family gets to enjoy a good time.

I am not telling many people about this, but I decided to work with a handful of couples who are 100 % committed to making their relationship healthier and happier. But let me be clear.

It's been an uphill climb. You have read all the self-help books, figured out each other's "Love Language", tried the practice of "Radical Honesty", did a relationship course, had a few sessions with a marriage counsellor, you shared your needs, listened to theirs promised over and over again to "do better". And yet, the fighting persisted, normal discussions turned to hurt feelings and days of not talking.

Trust is key to a relationship that works.  Whether its between you and your partner or you and your co-workers, if you don't trust each other, it is hard to make magic happen. But have you ever considered how "trust" really is built?

 As a Life Coach, I have become an expert on dealing with what I call “Cockroach Thoughts and Emotions”. In fact I just released an entire episode on the topic here. I know it isn't a pretty image but there is a reason for that. These are the sneaky, persistent thoughts and feelings that come up when the lights are off and seem to survive in spite of all the cleaning, growth and personal development you do. You may have spotted one of these "Thought Cockroaches" running from the light of your self-awareness. And once you have seen it, you JUST know there are others. These are thoughts like: “He doesn’t love me anymore.” “Our marriage is falling apart.” “I’m not good enough.”

Happy New Year Lovers!  If you have been paying attention over the last week or two you have probably been offered every single diet, new planner or calendar, workout and wellness program the world has to offer. The thing I find strange is that regardless of all this focus placed on well-being in January, rarely is any of it connected to romantic relationships. What I have realized over the last year with my clients who have hired me to help them stop fighting and improving their marriages is this; You can set a personal goal or a resolution to make you feel better, but if you aren't intentionally improving your marriage there may not be anyone to celebrate losing the weight, changing the bad habit or learning the new skill with at the end of the year. Don't confuse what I am saying here. I think self-care and putting your well-being first should be the MOST important thing in your life. But if your relationship feels a bit stale, or you are constantly bickering or having a lot of "talks" about who did what wrong day in and day out, then you should reconsider your goals and give yourself the gift of a better marriage instead. I recently updated my free mini-course End the Argument Before It Starts and it will help you get on the path to a healthier and more beautiful relationship this year. One final thing. Taking care of your relationship is self-care of the deepest kind, because you deserve to feel love, support and enjoy the life you are creating with your spouse. So tend to that garden, Lovers! I hope this is the best year yet.