Why You Fight

Posted by Steve Haase on Sep 4, 2020 2:47:12 PM

I work with clients who find themselves locked in the same arguments at home, over and over.

Maybe you can relate: your child speaks to your partner with a "disrespectful" tone. You disagree with how your partner handles the lack of respect, so you jump in.

Chaos ensues. Now you feel alienated from your partner and your child.

Where did you go wrong?

What I've found working with clients is that often the thing that bothers you about someone else's behavior is something you avoid about yourself.

You project your own less than pleasant qualities onto someone else.

No wonder the arguments seem endless and to arise instantly. You're missing something fundamental about yourself.

Here's what to do the next time you respond to something that bugs you about your partner:

Pause. Breathe. Excuse yourself from the room. Grab a journal and write all the thoughts you're thinking about your partner right now.

Then circle the thoughts that could also apply to you.

In the example at the beginning of this post, the thought would be, "My partner doesn't care that our child disrespects them." What's actually happening is that you don't respect your partner enough to let them handle the situation their own way.

See how that puts so much power to end arguments into your own hands? It's a game changer.

In fact, this one practice alone can decrease your arguments at home by half. I've seen it work for my clients. It can work for you.

I'd love to hear how this goes for you as you put it into practice. Just reply in the comments with your story.


I have space to work with only two more people who are ready to stop wasting so much time arguing. If you want to stop fighting, click here to line up a free call.

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