177. How to Get What You Want

Posted by Erin Aquin on Sep 22, 2021 2:49:24 PM

Life can be as abundant as you want it to be. So why do people often feel like they're missing out on something important?

Many will blame their partners or life circumstances for not having the things they want. And this may seem reasonable. After all, if you want a great relationship but your partner just isn't willing to do the work to change, why shouldn't they get some of the blame?

But pointing fingers in any way is actually a recipe for resentment, stagnation, and feeling like a victim.

To help you get what you want in your relationship and life, Erin created a Masterclass that guides you through the exact steps to take to move from feeling powerless to being fulfilled.

Get the Masterclass here

This week's podcast is the entire first module from that class. In it you will learn:

  • Why you don't have what you want yet
  • What's holding you back from going out and getting what you want
  • How to get over your hesitation to rock the boat in your relationship

Read the full show transcript here.

Subscribe and listen on Apple Podcasts here

Episode Transcript

Forward:

Welcome to the Love and Success Podcast. You are listening to Episode 171. 

Hello there lovers. Today, I have some very exciting news and something really special to share with you. I have been working with my team behind the scenes for the last couple of months putting together some of my best tools, best teachings, and really creating a step by step process that walks you through how to ask for and get what you want in your relationships. 

Now, I have clients that use these tools for professional relationships, I have clients that use these for personal relationships, it totally doesn't matter. The point is that most of us do not really know how to ask for what we want. And we don't know what to do. We work up the courage to do it in the first place. And then the person we're asking says they will not participate, they will not help us. So in today's episode, I am giving you a sneak peek at one of the introductory modules of the course. 

So I'm not just going to talk about the course and try and entice you, I'm actually just giving you the very first module so you can decide for yourself, if this is what you need, and it's going to be helpful for you. There's one last thing if you are listening to this episode before October 1 2021. I want to tell you that there's also a bonus live coaching call with me if you buy the full masterclass. And the class... drumroll please, is $47 before October 1. 

The reason that I decided to create a  little bit of an early bird discounted rate, which I almost never do, is that I wanted this to be as accessible to as many people as possible. I think having a one on one coach is the most amazing thing. And I also know it can be out of budget for a lot of people. So I am giving you an opportunity to work with me for $47. And if you buy the class before October 1, you get that live coaching call bonus so that you can join me and a group of other students and maybe I'll coach you who get so much out of it all. 

I hope you enjoy this very first introductory module for when you want a masterclass and when you decide that this is too good to miss. I hope you will, you can head over to revitalize your relationship.com/loveclass and secure your spot before October 1 to get that little special rate and bonus class. All right. Enjoy. 

 

Episode:

Hello there lovers, welcome. You've made it to the class. And we're gonna dive right in today with module one...why you don't have what you want. Because if we're learning how to ask for what we want, and get what we want, first we need to know why we don't have it already. And this is a really very simple answer. I've worked with hundreds of clients, hundreds of people on their relationships, the very simple answer for why you don't have what you want. Whether it is big or small in your relationship is because you haven't gone out to get it.

I'm not trying to trick you. But that really is the answer. The only reason you don't have what you want in your life right now is because you haven't gone out to get it. And for many people, I think we believe that the path to what it is we want is somehow being blocked by our partner. But the truth is, there's a path to everything you want. If there is someone on this planet right now that has what you want in their life. 

That means there's a way to get it there's a way for you to get it too. And the that sounds really easy for me to say I'm aware but most of us what we are doing is choosing the status Whoa, or our own comfort, instead of making the leap and taking the risk, that if we rock the boat, especially in our relationship, that we won't be able to get what we want, and then we will have sacrificed something else. 

So we tend to choose our comfort, or even our discomfort, but like staying the status quo, over the potential of what could be. And as I said, I've coached hundreds of people on relationships. And often we come to a place where they realize that the reason they don't have what they want is because they want something that's different from what their partner wants. And I've had this happen, in many cases, maybe my client wants a life of travel and adventure and their partner wants to really root down in one place, doesn't like to travel, doesn't really like to leave home. 

And they want to instead develop a deep community right where they are. Now, one is not better than the other. Maybe you are a person who loves to travel, or maybe you're more of a homebody, one of those things is not better than the other. But what happens is, the relationship is strained. If two people want two different things. Now, it doesn't mean that the relationship can't work, as you discover what it is you want. And maybe you find out it's very different from what your partner wants, doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is doomed and that it's over. It just means that you have to decide for yourself and your partner has to decide for them what you want more. 

The reason most people don't go out and get what they want is because they are not making a decision about whether the relationship is the priority or their desire is the priority. So if both people in a relationship are more committed to having the lifestyle of their choice, and there are two different things, then the choice becomes clear. probably not going to be a relationship that you're going to be happy with. If you're just both compromising and not and neither one of you is really getting what you want, no one's going to be happy. 

It's usually a recipe for resentment, which we will talk about in a future module. But I've also worked with people who decided they really love their partner, they really want to have the lifestyle they want. And they decided to live in separate houses, and couples who live in different cities. And they get together a couple times a year, and they're very happy. So it doesn't necessarily mean that your relationship can't survive, it just means that you may need to be more creative. If you are more committed to your desire than the person that you're with.

Here's where things get more challenging. If you are not clear on what you actually want, or you're waiting for your partner to conform and see it your way and come over to your side. That is very painful. And that is what most people who are in a relationship struggle do have to come to terms with at one point or another. It's actually not a partnership. If you're just waiting and hoping that the other person is going to see it your way and come to your side or you're constantly cajoling them or they're constantly cajoling you. It's not a partnership. That's like a hostage negotiation. And it's something you can, it's something you can live with. 

But for this masterclass, I'm going to help you really get in touch with what it is you want in your relationship. And I'm going to teach you how to ask for your partner's participation, or at least communicate what your priorities are to them, so that you can find out if you're on the same page, let's maybe see, are they coming along with you? Or are they at least not going to stand in your way of having what you desire? And what are we talking about really here? 

Well, I think this can be about anything in your relationship, big or small. This could be the discussion of what color to paint the walls, or the decision to have children. No decision is an island. Everything in your relationship happens in relation to everything else. So let's use the example of having kids. Because I think that is something that if you're in a newer relationship or you're, you know you're undecided about having children, it's a really great place to start. 

So let's say perhaps you're the person in the relationship who's always wanted children, you've always seen yourself and your future as having kids, like, you're going to have some babies, maybe a bunch of them. But then you meet this person and fall in love, you find out. They don't want kids, they don't even like kids. They're not interested, they definitely do not want children. Now, at this point, you will have a decision to make. 

Are you more committed to the thing you desire? having children, or the relationship that you're cultivating with this person? You committed to the person that you're with? Or the future of having children? There's no right or wrong answer. I think that sometimes we think we're supposed to want one thing more than the other, and we get into this turmoil, but there's no right or wrong answer. 

However, for you, as I pose this, there's probably an answer that's perfect for you. And the issue is that most of us are not willing to be clean with that decision. We're not willing to be the person who says, Hey, listen, I really love you. But I want to, and that's important to me. So this relationship has no future, if that's not something that you're open to, because it's something I really want. We're also not clean about saying, hearing our partner hearing them say, I definitely don't want children. 

Like, you know, I've worked with a lot of couples who stay together for years. Because one partner is just secretly hoping that they're going to change their mind. Like, well, maybe when they get older, maybe they when they see how things unfold, and they see what a great parents I would be, maybe they'll be more interested, they think that maybe their partner's mind will change or that they can convince them to, and then they don't commit to their own desire. They commit to wait and see. Again, you can do that. There's no problem with that. Sometimes people's minds do change. But in my experience as a coach, and both personally, usually, it doesn't change. Because what we're we're we're doing is we're pushing our desire on the other person in hopes that they will come along with us instead of just owning what we want. And then this course, I'm going to teach you how to own what you want, and make decisions based on that collaboratively with your partner when it's something they're interested in, or maybe on your own, maybe on your own. 

So if you have traditionally been the person who waits around for the stars to align, who looks for the right moment to ask a question that maybe your partner has already answered in the past, and hopes that you're going to one day, get them on board with you and your dream and your desires. If you're doing that in your relationship, I want you to be very honest. First about the number of times your partner has just spontaneously decided to hop on board with what you want. Let's think about that for a second. 

How many times have your partner actually changed their mind and said, You know what, I said I didn't want that thing. It said I didn't want children for five years. And now I do. How many times that happened. Again, it could happen. But in my experience, it rarely does. Why? Because as you delay, working towards what it is you want in your life as you wait, as you defer to the other person and their priorities and their wants. As you sit in your discomfort of not having what you desire for your partner, it's probably pretty comfortable dropping us to do anything differently. When you don't ask your partner to participate on the path to your dream life. 

They get to go on living in a status quo that's probably working well for them. I see this a lot with my clients who are on a spiritual journey or personal development journey. And they get very annoyed that their partner doesn't seem to be interested in personal growth. They're like I don't know why they don't want to grow. They don't want to grow like me, they can't understand it. And what I often say is that the reason they're not working on themselves is because they don't see the need to. 

They're probably totally comfortable in the current dynamic of the relationship. There's no impulse for them to change or grow. Like, that's our judgment of them. But the person in the relationship who's frustrated, or feeling resentful, or any cocktail of negative emotions, that partner is very motivated to get a coach to take courses like this. I mean, you're here, right? 

Maybe you have the rare relationship where your partner has decided, yes, I want to do this with you. Let's go all in and you're both sitting there and studying. It's amazing if that's true. But more often than not, it's when we are experiencing the pain and the frustration, and it's gone on long enough, that we seek out the ways to grow. And I think this comes back to why we want to learn how to ask for what we want, and ask for our partner's participation in getting it. 

Because we don't want to create a dynamic that is very comfortable for them, and miserable for us. Ideally, it's not miserable for anyone. That's not the point of a relationship. I think relationships should be fun. You know, if you're not having fun in your relationship, what are we doing? Why are we here? You know, we are most of us not not, this is not true for everyone, but most of us, you know, we're in a culture and then a time when we don't need to partner up with someone to like, merge our farms. Or we don't need someone to be there to watch the kids. So we can go hunting, bring back food for the village, most of us really do get to be in relationships, because we love the other person. And we're on a journey together, we're interested in going through some or a big part of our lives together. 

If it's not fun, and it's not a dynamic that you're both really thriving in, you also have the choice, you can also make the decision to not be part of that. So this particular course is going to blow your mind, especially if you have been the one who's been so uncomfortable for a really long time. And I won't pretend that you might need to, that you won't need to reevaluate, you are going to reevaluate your relationship, how you've been showing up. 

And for some of my clients, it's a tough moment to realize that even if you think a lot of judgmental thoughts about your partner, that they're not really helpful to you, that they're not very supportive to you. We also have to entertain and take responsibility for the fact that you have also made it comfortable for that dynamic to exist. We are all contributing to the dynamic in our relationship. It's not a one woman, one man, one person show, it's a relationship. So first, you need to know why you don't have what you want. 

And the answer is because you haven't gone out to get it. And then you have to decide if what you want is very important to you. Where is it? Where does it stack up on that list of priorities. So, in this course, I'm going to give you an ally, ready. Your ally in the arena of this context in this course, while you are working with me here, I want you to make anytime you feel like shit in your relationship, your new best friend feeling like shit is our ally. Why? Because the cocktail of negative emotions that you are feeling. 

We have to transmute those into tools and energy and motivation. There they motivated you to get in this course. So now we're going to use that to motivate us to start to pay attention. I mean, this emotional pain is one of the strongest alarm bells that we have as humans. Maybe the only thing stronger is probably physical pain. It's telling you when you feel pain, it's telling you that something's not right. Something is hurting you. 

Pain is one of the most effective protections we humans have. And one of the things you're going to learn in this course is how to find the fire. That the pain the alarm bell of the pain. Is alerting you to. So instead of waiting for your partner to change, instead of waiting for your partner to suddenly just say, you know what, I would love to travel the world with you. I never wanted to travel. But today, I've decided that you have been right this whole time I see the light, wouldn't that be fun. But instead of that, instead of waiting for them, instead of resenting them, instead of thinking of your beautiful partner, they probably really love you. 

And if there's no love, and you know, you can just skip this course, just go find a new one, go find a new love. You can, you want to, that's in the cards for you. We want to learn how to invite this beautiful person to your process instead of relying on them to deliver what it is you want. So the only reason you don't have what you want yet is because you haven't figured out how to go out and get it. And probably if it's about your relationship, you've been waiting for the other person to deliver it to you.

And you haven't really been taking full responsibility for meeting your desires. I don't say that to shame you. I say that actually as the best news, because if it really is, if we bring all of this back into our control, then we have the power to change it. Don't have to wait for them anymore.

You don't have to, you can invite them and if they say no you can go out and get what you want. So that is what we are going to do in this course. So glad you're here and I will see you in the next module.

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