On this weeks Facebook Live, I want to give you a compelling argument as to why blame is a waste of your time and energy plus an alternative to help you get some space and see what it happening even when you REALLY want to blame someone for your negative feelings.
Prefer to read instead of watch? Get all the insights below:
Emotional Maturity and Blame
On the podcast this week I talked a lot about emotional maturity and adult tantrums.
And today I want to tie that theme into the concept of blaming other people.
Personally I think blame is a waste of time and energy.
When someone does something you don't like, it seems perfectly natural that if you experience a negative emotion you want to blame it on them.
The thing is that between their actions and your feeling is actually a thought you are having.
Blaming someone else for your negative feelings seems very logical and easy to do in the short-term, but I want to show you how disempowering this is overall.
When you don't take the time to see the space between what they did and what you feel, and identify that its actually your thoughts prompting your negative feelings, you are left with only one way to feel better;
Get them to change their actions.
I don't know if you have noticed, but we can't go back in time and change what someone else said or did.
And trying to pressure them into changing their future behaviour isn't a great strategy because people tend to do what they want not what you want.
(which is very annoying isn't it?!)
So rather than trying to change someone else, if you do a little internal investigation to spot your thoughts that are creating your feelings you suddenly have some insight and some space.
Important: I am not trying to say that you are going to suddenly condone something that you don't agree with.
The point here isn't to say,
"Oh you just yelled in my face for 20 minutes and I feel threatened or mistreated...let me go change my thought so I can feel good about that."
The point is to see what your thoughts about what the other person did are creating.
If someone yells in your face and you believe that the act of yelling made you feel worthless, then likewise you probably think the only way to feel worthy is to get them to stop yelling and tell you they love you.
If someone yells in your face and you know that your thoughts create your feelings you might choose on purpose to think.
"This is unacceptable behaviour. I don't let people speak to me like that"
and you feel strong and empowered which prompts you to leave the situation and put a boundary in place.
THIS is emotional maturity at its finest.
It doesn't mean you go around taking responsibility for other peoples words and actions, it means you take responsibility for your own thoughts, feeling and actions in relationship to the world outside of you.
Blaming other people for how you feel means you have to change the world to feel better.
Being an emotional adult means you understand and have a say over your own mind.
Interestingly, from that place you show up in the world differently and that has tremendous impact.
If you want help to apply this to your life, it starts with a consultation. Book yours here